In Case I Question…

whether or not I truly felt in the moment with Lucy as a toddler, I’m creating this post to reassure myself that yes, yes I really did.

I can imagine myself 1, 10, 20 years from now wondering and probably assuming that I didn’t but this post will pose as proof that I took the time to slow down and love my life with Lucy. Right now I feel the urge to constantly be on the move, and feel the tug of work responsibilities often calling my name, but there are so many moments when I remind myself that this time isn’t going to last. Those giggles won’t always be so soft. That ponytail won’t always be so short. That wonder won’t always be so bright. Those hugs won’t always be given so freely. Those boo-boos won’t always come my way for kissing. Those tears won’t always be brought to me to wipe away. This little one won’t always be so little.

I do take the time to smell in her hair while she’s sitting on my lap. To hold her little hands when she’s willing. To enjoy watching her play by herself or with her loved ones. To think about how amazing her laugh is. To love her feisty, independent attitude. To watch her give hugs and snuggle with her grandparents and aunts/uncles. To listen to her daddy play the guitar and watch her love every moment of it.

Life is busy, and its how I think I’d prefer it to be but I know someday I’ll need to know that yes, I did enjoy all those “little moments” and no, I shouldn’t have any regrets.

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This Mother’s Day…

is almost over and as sad as I am to say it, I’m relieved. I’m relieved we’re back from vacation, back from being away from our little girl for a whole week, relieved to be going back into normal life and relieved Mother’s Day has (just about… 3 hrs to go) come and gone. I’ve hit a road block in my grieving process and knowing that this day was right around the corner wasn’t helping any.

Having Lucy has brought me the greatest joy and being a mother is my most important role, so of course I appreciate a day celebrating moms. Any recognition we can get is welcome πŸ™‚ And more than that, I love that it’s a day to spoil and love on my own mom; she’s so deserving and so under appreciated. Typically Mother’s Day is a wonderful day, and this time last year I was embracing every bit of it and taking advantage of all the day had to offer to a new mama.

This year is different. This year it’s a reminder that I’m a mom to 2 babies, one of which isn’t with me. The feeling of loss is always present but I’m mostly able to compose myself because life is busy and Lucy keeps me on my toes. On a day like today though where I’m inundated with Happy Mother’s Day posts (as it should be), it’s so much harder to keep the smile on. What upsets me is most of my social media world (is that a thing??) doesn’t even know this second little one existed, or the sort of pain Geo and I recently endured. Sure I write about it here but very few people read this little blog, and those that do don’t even know who I am (for the most part).

I want people to know about this baby of ours, and that he or she is forever a part of our family but there are two things that keep stopping me from sharing about it on social media, they are: 1. I don’t want people to feel pity for us and 2. It feels too sacred to share. It’s such a personal and meaningful experience in our lives, it was our baby, and simply “posting” about it just doesn’t feel right, or at least not right now. I want people to know about this baby of ours, this perfect little human, but I suppose I’m just not ready yet.

Anyways, it’s been a long day and I’m just so happy I’m a mom. It’s the greatest gift I’ve been given in my life and although the pain of our recent loss is feeling very heavy right now, I also know I’m very lucky to have a healthy baby girl in the room next door. Feeling for all those mamas who don’t.

Grateful: For the toothy grins and belly laughs Lucy was full of today πŸ™‚

Why Is It That…

everything can be thrown to complete shit but as long as I’ve done a load of laundry I feel like I’ve had a successful day?

There is literally no better feeling than putting a load of laundry into the washer… pure happiness.

And yes, this is truly what my hair has looked like all afternoon. Thank god for my non-judging neighbor and for a daughter who’s not old enough to roll her eyes at me (yet!).

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One other thing I need to make note of is… George is watching The Bachelor with me! Yep. It’s happening and it totally made my day (that and getting some laundry done :p). Today was a busy, tiring and stressful day for me but it was really nice to end it watching stupid tv with Geo and being silly – I’m thinking we need more of these nights!

Grateful for: A quiet and sweet moment with Lucy this morning. Early day snuggles are the best!

It’s Hard to Blog Today…

about anything because my mind is so distracted by the fact that Donald Trump just won the U.S presidency. So I’ll just do two things.

  1. Share what I posted to Facebook and Instagram
  2. Share a funny interaction I had at the mall yesterday, because it’s good to balance heaviness out with a little lightness πŸ˜€

What was shared on FB/Instagram:

She deserves so much more. Anyone with a daughter, how could you vote for him? The way he views women alone is enough of a reason to be disgusted by him but I guess if he’s gonna “make America great again” then it’s all okay… pretty sure treating women with respect would be a good starting place. #Confused #Why?? #MamaBear #BabyGirl #Respect#Daughter

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So now onto the semi funny/awkward exchange that occurred yesterday while in line at the mall. Lucy was in her carrier facing outward and on the verge of a mini meltdown, she was clearly over my little birthday shopping escapade, and to be honest so was I. So we’re standing there and the woman in front of us seemed pretty out of it. She was well put together but she was kind of swaying, staring off into space and then shifted her focus onto Lucy. At first I was a little uncomfortable but then thought “eh, its keeping Lucy content, I’ll roll with it.”

Then the woman says, “How old is he” (typical – most people seem to think Lucy is a boy) and our chit chat continues with the usual empty banter. And that’s when she mentions she has a little guy who is 4 months old. Now the “swaying” and “staring into space” makes sense.

The conversation continues as so:

Woman in line: “Yea, today is the first time I’ve been away from him. My husband is at home right now. It’s really hard to be away, isn’t it?”

I swear I saw a tiny tear start to form in the corner of her eye.

Me: “Hmm I didn’t think it was that hard. I actually remember really enjoying my first outing by myself :D” *Insert giggling and smiling*

Instead of smiling and laughing along with me in agreement or at least in amusement she seemed to be in shock. “Wow, who is this woman? How is she allowed to be a mom?” was written all over her face.

And thankfully that’s when she was called up to the register.

Yes, I really enjoy my alone time but that doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE my time with Lucy. To the woman in the line, I hope you find a way to enjoy your alone time because I personally think it’s really important for you, your baby and your husband. But what do I know, I’m the kind of mom who has a babysitter, lets her babe watch tv, and shares ice cream with an 8 month old – Lucy doesn’t seem to mind πŸ™‚

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PS. Next post is about our trip to Barcelona. It was fun. tiring. beautiful. tiring. warm. tiring. and a trip for the books. Did I mention it was tiring?

Grateful: For 4 year presidential term limits. 4 years, that’ll fly by right?

Our Visit Home…

was wonderful. I was excited to visit friends and family but what I hadn’t realized was how nice it would be to be back in my comfort zone. I absolutely love London and have whole heartedly embraced our way of life here but it was really calming to be back by the sea, by our friends and family and in a town that we’ve very much made our home.

One thing that wasn’t so wonderful was how I spent much of my time there…

work work work.

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But there were many moments that were pure bliss. Here are a few of those πŸ™‚

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Grateful: For a mellow, relaxing Sunday. Breakfast out, followed by lounging at home, grocery shopping together and some cooking. It doesn’t get much better!

It’s Never Too Early…

To drink coffee with Nana, or is it? πŸ˜‚πŸ™ˆ


To share secrets with your bestie πŸ‘­


Or to fall asleep during a walk (seriously Lucy, it’s never too early for that ☺️)


Grateful: For taco salad. It’s healthy (well it’s got veggies), easy to make and pleases just about everyone! It’s clearly what we had for dinner tonight πŸ™‚

Gone Are The Days…

Of looking forward to traveling and in are the days of dreading it with every morsel of my being. Dramatic? Maybe a little but honestly traveling is not what it used to be. What it used to be was “do I read my book, watch a movie or take a nap during the flight?” What it is now is “do I try to get her to nap (enter hours of frustration), entertain her with toys (each toy keeps her occupied for approx. 1.2 minutes) or just hand her off to the hubby and take 3 minutes to find my inner buddha before Geo looks at me with desperation in his eyes and hands her back over?”

Lucy has brought so much joy into our lives and I can literally feel myself loving her more and more every day but geesh, flying from London to NY with a 6 month old is not for the faint of heart! Luckily we made it out alive and I’m hopeful our flight home, which is a night flight, will be full of zzzz’s and downtime because she’ll be peacefully sleeping… a girl can dream πŸ˜€

In other news, this girl seriously is so lucky to have so many knitters in the family! How cute is this skirt?!

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Grateful: For being back home in the states for two weeks. I’d forgotten how nice it is to have the love and support of so many loved ones, we’re so lucky to live near our parents πŸ™‚