In Case I Question…

whether or not I truly felt in the moment with Lucy as a toddler, I’m creating this post to reassure myself that yes, yes I really did.

I can imagine myself 1, 10, 20 years from now wondering and probably assuming that I didn’t but this post will pose as proof that I took the time to slow down and love my life with Lucy. Right now I feel the urge to constantly be on the move, and feel the tug of work responsibilities often calling my name, but there are so many moments when I remind myself that this time isn’t going to last. Those giggles won’t always be so soft. That ponytail won’t always be so short. That wonder won’t always be so bright. Those hugs won’t always be given so freely. Those boo-boos won’t always come my way for kissing. Those tears won’t always be brought to me to wipe away. This little one won’t always be so little.

I do take the time to smell in her hair while she’s sitting on my lap. To hold her little hands when she’s willing. To enjoy watching her play by herself or with her loved ones. To think about how amazing her laugh is. To love her feisty, independent attitude. To watch her give hugs and snuggle with her grandparents and aunts/uncles. To listen to her daddy play the guitar and watch her love every moment of it.

Life is busy, and its how I think I’d prefer it to be but I know someday I’ll need to know that yes, I did enjoy all those “little moments” and no, I shouldn’t have any regrets.

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This Mother’s Day…

is almost over and as sad as I am to say it, I’m relieved. I’m relieved we’re back from vacation, back from being away from our little girl for a whole week, relieved to be going back into normal life and relieved Mother’s Day has (just about… 3 hrs to go) come and gone. I’ve hit a road block in my grieving process and knowing that this day was right around the corner wasn’t helping any.

Having Lucy has brought me the greatest joy and being a mother is my most important role, so of course I appreciate a day celebrating moms. Any recognition we can get is welcome 🙂 And more than that, I love that it’s a day to spoil and love on my own mom; she’s so deserving and so under appreciated. Typically Mother’s Day is a wonderful day, and this time last year I was embracing every bit of it and taking advantage of all the day had to offer to a new mama.

This year is different. This year it’s a reminder that I’m a mom to 2 babies, one of which isn’t with me. The feeling of loss is always present but I’m mostly able to compose myself because life is busy and Lucy keeps me on my toes. On a day like today though where I’m inundated with Happy Mother’s Day posts (as it should be), it’s so much harder to keep the smile on. What upsets me is most of my social media world (is that a thing??) doesn’t even know this second little one existed, or the sort of pain Geo and I recently endured. Sure I write about it here but very few people read this little blog, and those that do don’t even know who I am (for the most part).

I want people to know about this baby of ours, and that he or she is forever a part of our family but there are two things that keep stopping me from sharing about it on social media, they are: 1. I don’t want people to feel pity for us and 2. It feels too sacred to share. It’s such a personal and meaningful experience in our lives, it was our baby, and simply “posting” about it just doesn’t feel right, or at least not right now. I want people to know about this baby of ours, this perfect little human, but I suppose I’m just not ready yet.

Anyways, it’s been a long day and I’m just so happy I’m a mom. It’s the greatest gift I’ve been given in my life and although the pain of our recent loss is feeling very heavy right now, I also know I’m very lucky to have a healthy baby girl in the room next door. Feeling for all those mamas who don’t.

Grateful: For the toothy grins and belly laughs Lucy was full of today 🙂

I Wish…

I could be having more fun right now. Geo and I are on vacation in California by ourselves for a WHOLE week. Yep, no Lucy. My wonderful MIL offered to watch Lucy so Geo and I could enjoy a week of travel without the hassles and inconveniences of toting a toddler around (something we did A LOT of while living in Europe last year). We both have been looking forward to this trip so much but now that we’re here there’s something that isn’t clicking fore me. I can’t seem to quite transition into vaca mode.

Without the distractions of life, (work, Lucy, family, etc) I keep thinking about our little one who isn’t with us anymore. At the risk of sounding callous, I wish I could just turn it off. The sadness of it is always right there. Right at the surface and the barrier, or thing that keeps me from crying all the time is the business of life and now that barrier isn’t there. Don’t get me wrong, we have seen so much the last couple days and have had a wonderful time with our hosts but the sight of a pregnant woman, a baby, yesterday being Sunday (the day we measured this last pregnancy with – I would have been 18 weeks), or when I’m not thinking of anything, I always seem to go back to the loss. It’s just always there and I’d really like to turn it off for the next 5 days.

So if you’ve had a similar loss, I’d really love to hear any tips you may have for a struggling mama like me.

Grateful: For having the opportunity to be here with Geo. I know so many couples in our shoes would love the ability to go away without the kiddo(s) for a week so I really do appreciate how thoughtful and giving our family members are.

Losing A Baby…

sucks. But wanna know what makes it even worse? Being the parents who made the decision to “lose” that baby. After having a miscarriage at 6 weeks (this past fall), the last thing I thought I’d ever wish for was another one. But sure enough I found myself hoping our baby would pass away inside of me, in the most natural way possible. From that Monday (when we found out) to Thursday (when I had the procedure) every time I felt a cramp or something a little “off” I prayed it was nature taking its course, and some higher power preventing me from ending our little one’s life. How insane does that sound?

Between my hormones and grief, it’s been a difficult week. These are the things that seem to make me most sad:

  • The fact that I chose not to hold our baby. I asked the nurse (who was incredibly sincere and kind during this process) to make that decision for me. In the end she said it was best that I didn’t but now I wish I had. I think our baby deserved that.
  • The fact that I held a newborn yesterday and instead of being thrilled for my sweet friends, I felt sad for my own loss.
  • The fact that a future pregnancy will be met with excitement but also fear.
  • The fact that our baby’s ashes are in our bedroom… and I’m not sure what to do with them. Originally I wanted to bury them under a tree in our yard but now I can’t seem to part with the little box. Certainly a “problem” I didn’t think I’d ever be dealing with.
  • The fact that being at my in-laws house seems to be a trigger for me. We spent the majority of our time there when finding out about the baby and dealing with the appointments and logistics of it all. My MIL was watching Lucy because my parents were at a family member’s funeral. So now each time I’ve walked into their house since then I start to feel myself getting emotional.
  • The fact that I didn’t mourn my sweet cousin who passed the week prior because, for me, it was overshadowed by my own baby’s passing.
  • The fact that I would be 16 weeks pregnant now if we’d chosen to keep the pregnancy going.
  • The fact that I ended our little one’s life. Yes, I did it because the outcome would have been the same and no doctor could tell me with 100% certainty that this baby wouldn’t have felt pain and/or discomfort for the remainder of the pregnancy (I couldn’t live knowing he/she could have been in pain), but at the end of the day I still ended it. That’s something I have to live with and yikes, it’s not an easy pill to swallow, nor should it be.

We made the only decision we felt we had, but it was still a very, very shitty one. Hoping it all gets a little easier to cope with sooner than later.

Grateful: For Lucy’s adorable waddle/walk. I honestly feel like I could just stare at her for days.

Not Sure…

where to start. For the past three weeks I’ve thought about writing this post yet every time I sit down to write I’m at a loss for what to say.

There’s no delicate way to share that after finding out your unborn baby has a terminal birth defect you and your husband decide, at 13 weeks, to end the pregnancy.

We found out the news about our baby on a Monday and I had the procedure that following Thursday. The time from that first ultrasound to the procedure life just stopped for us. There was nothing else that mattered. The pain was almost unbearable. I don’t know how we would have gotten through it without Lucy. She was what carried us through that week. She was our only source of happiness and hope.

Since the procedure life has gone on. Between running my business, working with my mom to launch a new one and caring for a 1 year old, the hours never seem like enough and I am scurrying throughout the day trying to fit it all in. It’s the nights, when I get into bed and see our baby’s beautiful footprints on my nightstand that I’m reminded I just recently had a baby inside me, one that should still be there but isn’t. It all feels very unfair. For Geo and I, for Lucy, for my loved ones and most of all, for this baby that was so little but already so loved.

I’ve struggled with whether I wanted to share this online or not. I’ve truly gone back and fourth, but what kept bringing me back to this space is my desire to honor this baby. I want people to know I think of myself as a mother of two babies; the one who after a very busy day of practicing walking is peacefully sleeping in her crib, and the baby who I know will always look over that sleeping baby and who someday I’ll get to meet. This baby meant so much to George and I. This baby deserves to be acknowledged and that’s why I’m overlooking my fear of being judged or ridiculed for sharing such personal information because if I don’t, it’s as if it didn’t happen, and it did.

These are just the most perfect little feet I’ve ever seen.

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It’s 7:30 pm and I’m…

in bed, exactly where I want to be 😀

I love nights like these when we’ve eaten early, everything is cleaned up and Geo and I get to spend time together… real time, not just bleary eyed, half asleep time. He’s coming up to bed soon and we’re going to finish off the weekend watching 30 Rock, our new favorite show! So I don’t have too much time to chat about but I thought I’d share my phone pics from the weekend – there are some real winners!

Friday, when I was desperately trying to get some work done and Lucy was desperately trying to help…

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Lucy’s new favorite game at Nana and Da’s house is to race over to the stairs and climb them. She’s been hearing a lot of “No no, Lucy” 🙂

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Yep, that’s what happens when dirty hair has been in a bow all day!

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THIS is happening next weekend. I. Am. So. Excited. 🙂

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My mom and I went to the NICE – Natural Infant and Child Expo in Plymouth on Saturday and came across this vendor. YIKES. I sometimes drink those Vitamin Waters and was SHOCKED to see that many sugar cubes next to it. It really forces you to question what you’re putting in your mouth and/or feeding your kids.

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And this was me this morning trying to get ready for the day. Lucy insisted on doing each and every part of my morning routine WITH me. Yay. :I

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Grateful: For lots of time spent with family this weekend and a nice dinner with my parents and bestie! 🙂

Lucy’s Birth Story (Part 2)…

Considering Lucy turned 1 on Saturday I think it’s time I get around to finishing up her birth story 🙂

We left off here.

I remember thinking on the Tuesday prior to Thursday that the slight cramping I was feeling wasn’t all that bad and hey, if this is it then I could totally handle it. Ha. ha. ha. silly me. Thursday was full of pain, laughter, frustration, excitement, and more pain. Labor is no joke. To be honest I don’t remember a lot of what I was thinking during the whole thing, I just remember the intensity of it all. The intensity of each contraction, the intensity of my focus and determination, the intensity of my love for Geo (I felt so comforted to have him by my side), the intensity of my excitement to meet this little person — it all was just very intense. As the day drew on I then started to feel an intense desire to quit, like every woman in labor 🙂

Our midwife, Nicole, was fantastic through it all. It was such a long day, and as the hours went by I got more and more tired (at this point I was going on 48 hrs of no sleep), but Nicole helped keep us going and smiled through it all. I remember cracking jokes in between contractions and being open to anything that might help Lucy descend, which was becoming more and more of a problem as the day progressed.

Here are a couple of beauty shots.. #notmygreatestlook!

After a full day of hard labor 12:30 am on Friday morning rolled around and Nicole and her assistant came up to talk with Geo and I. Nicole was confident we could keep going, and we’d deliver a healthy baby but was also cautious of my exhaustion and honest about the fact that she wasn’t 100% certain why Lucy wasn’t descending more. It was likely she just needed more time but Nicole didn’t pretend to know more than she did and honestly, this is exactly what you want in a midwife – no heroes, just honesty. This slight question mark was enough for me to think it was time to transfer to the hospital. I was so tired and I thought by going to the hospital they could give me something for the pain and I could squeeze in a nap (ha, that was funny of me), but more than that I knew from the get-go if I ever questioned the safety of my baby while birthing at home I would transfer to the hospital. I didn’t think it would ever happen, but sure enough it did.

SO, off we went! Geo and me in one car, my mom (who was called to our house after we made the decision – she’d been staying at the local inn waiting for updates) and Nicole in her own car. We finally got there (I had contractions the whole way), and all I could think about was how lovely it’d be to get into bed and drift off to sleep. Well that didn’t happen because within 20 minutes of being there I was checked by their on-site midwife and sure enough Lucy was crowning… all she needed was that bumpy ride to the hospital!

30 minutes after that our baby was FINALLY here 🙂

And by 5 am she started meeting some of her biggest fans!

Our birth plan clearly didn’t go the way we’d hoped it would but we had a healthy baby girl and that’s all that matters. My prenatal care with Nicole at South Shore Midwifery was amazing, I honestly cannot say enough wonderful things about the care and support that Nicole provides. And everyone who cared for Lucy and I at the hospital was wonderful as well – we always felt like we were in good hands.

One thing I wish I could go back in time and change is… packing a hospital bag! haha Why oh why did I not do that?! I was so confident everything would go smoothly with the home birth that it didn’t dawn on me to be prepared, just in case. Because we were discharged the very next day (we requested this), no one had time to put together a bag for us, so I went home in Geo’s pajama pants and an oversized men’s button down shirt that my mom bought for me that day (pants and shirt were two VERY different patterns) and Lucy went home in a 0-3 month old onesie that her aunt kiki had bought for her as a gift THAT DAY. I had delicately washed all her new clothes so that nothing would irritate her newborn skin and then her very first full day of life she is put in a brand new, unwashed onesie. And I honestly didn’t really think twice about it… I blame the exhaustion 😀

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