I could be having more fun right now. Geo and I are on vacation in California by ourselves for a WHOLE week. Yep, no Lucy. My wonderful MIL offered to watch Lucy so Geo and I could enjoy a week of travel without the hassles and inconveniences of toting a toddler around (something we did A LOT of while living in Europe last year). We both have been looking forward to this trip so much but now that we’re here there’s something that isn’t clicking fore me. I can’t seem to quite transition into vaca mode.
Without the distractions of life, (work, Lucy, family, etc) I keep thinking about our little one who isn’t with us anymore. At the risk of sounding callous, I wish I could just turn it off. The sadness of it is always right there. Right at the surface and the barrier, or thing that keeps me from crying all the time is the business of life and now that barrier isn’t there. Don’t get me wrong, we have seen so much the last couple days and have had a wonderful time with our hosts but the sight of a pregnant woman, a baby, yesterday being Sunday (the day we measured this last pregnancy with – I would have been 18 weeks), or when I’m not thinking of anything, I always seem to go back to the loss. It’s just always there and I’d really like to turn it off for the next 5 days.
So if you’ve had a similar loss, I’d really love to hear any tips you may have for a struggling mama like me.
Grateful: For having the opportunity to be here with Geo. I know so many couples in our shoes would love the ability to go away without the kiddo(s) for a week so I really do appreciate how thoughtful and giving our family members are.
sucks. But wanna know what makes it even worse? Being the parents who made the decision to “lose” that baby. After having a miscarriage at 6 weeks (this past fall), the last thing I thought I’d ever wish for was another one. But sure enough I found myself hoping our baby would pass away inside of me, in the most natural way possible. From that Monday (when we found out) to Thursday (when I had the procedure) every time I felt a cramp or something a little “off” I prayed it was nature taking its course, and some higher power preventing me from ending our little one’s life. How insane does that sound?
Between my hormones and grief, it’s been a difficult week. These are the things that seem to make me most sad:
- The fact that I chose not to hold our baby. I asked the nurse (who was incredibly sincere and kind during this process) to make that decision for me. In the end she said it was best that I didn’t but now I wish I had. I think our baby deserved that.
- The fact that I held a newborn yesterday and instead of being thrilled for my sweet friends, I felt sad for my own loss.
- The fact that a future pregnancy will be met with excitement but also fear.
- The fact that our baby’s ashes are in our bedroom… and I’m not sure what to do with them. Originally I wanted to bury them under a tree in our yard but now I can’t seem to part with the little box. Certainly a “problem” I didn’t think I’d ever be dealing with.
- The fact that being at my in-laws house seems to be a trigger for me. We spent the majority of our time there when finding out about the baby and dealing with the appointments and logistics of it all. My MIL was watching Lucy because my parents were at a family member’s funeral. So now each time I’ve walked into their house since then I start to feel myself getting emotional.
- The fact that I didn’t mourn my sweet cousin who passed the week prior because, for me, it was overshadowed by my own baby’s passing.
- The fact that I would be 16 weeks pregnant now if we’d chosen to keep the pregnancy going.
- The fact that I ended our little one’s life. Yes, I did it because the outcome would have been the same and no doctor could tell me with 100% certainty that this baby wouldn’t have felt pain and/or discomfort for the remainder of the pregnancy (I couldn’t live knowing he/she could have been in pain), but at the end of the day I still ended it. That’s something I have to live with and yikes, it’s not an easy pill to swallow, nor should it be.
We made the only decision we felt we had, but it was still a very, very shitty one. Hoping it all gets a little easier to cope with sooner than later.
Grateful: For Lucy’s adorable waddle/walk. I honestly feel like I could just stare at her for days.