This Mother’s Day…

is almost over and as sad as I am to say it, I’m relieved. I’m relieved we’re back from vacation, back from being away from our little girl for a whole week, relieved to be going back into normal life and relieved Mother’s Day has (just about… 3 hrs to go) come and gone. I’ve hit a road block in my grieving process and knowing that this day was right around the corner wasn’t helping any.

Having Lucy has brought me the greatest joy and being a mother is my most important role, so of course I appreciate a day celebrating moms. Any recognition we can get is welcome πŸ™‚ And more than that, I love that it’s a day to spoil and love on my own mom; she’s so deserving and so under appreciated. Typically Mother’s Day is a wonderful day, and this time last year I was embracing every bit of it and taking advantage of all the day had to offer to a new mama.

This year is different. This year it’s a reminder that I’m a mom to 2 babies, one of which isn’t with me. The feeling of loss is always present but I’m mostly able to compose myself because life is busy and Lucy keeps me on my toes. On a day like today though where I’m inundated with Happy Mother’s Day posts (as it should be), it’s so much harder to keep the smile on. What upsets me is most of my social media world (is that a thing??) doesn’t even know this second little one existed, or the sort of pain Geo and I recently endured. Sure I write about it here but very few people read this little blog, and those that do don’t even know who I am (for the most part).

I want people to know about this baby of ours, and that he or she is forever a part of our family but there are two things that keep stopping me from sharing about it on social media, they are: 1. I don’t want people to feel pity for us and 2. It feels too sacred to share. It’s such a personal and meaningful experience in our lives, it was our baby, and simply “posting” about it just doesn’t feel right, or at least not right now. I want people to know about this baby of ours, this perfect little human, but I suppose I’m just not ready yet.

Anyways, it’s been a long day and I’m just so happy I’m a mom. It’s the greatest gift I’ve been given in my life and although the pain of our recent loss is feeling very heavy right now, I also know I’m very lucky to have a healthy baby girl in the room next door. Feeling for all those mamas who don’t.

Grateful: For the toothy grins and belly laughs Lucy was full of today πŸ™‚

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Not Sure…

where to start. For the past three weeks I’ve thought about writing this post yet every time I sit down to write I’m at a loss for what to say.

There’s no delicate way to share that after finding out your unborn baby has a terminal birth defect you and your husband decide, at 13 weeks, to end the pregnancy.

We found out the news about our baby on a Monday and I had the procedure that following Thursday. The time from that first ultrasound to the procedure life just stopped for us. There was nothing else that mattered. The pain was almost unbearable. I don’t know how we would have gotten through it without Lucy. She was what carried us through that week. She was our only source of happiness and hope.

Since the procedure life has gone on. Between running my business, working with my mom to launch a new one and caring for a 1 year old, the hours never seem like enough and I am scurrying throughout the day trying to fit it all in. It’s the nights, when I get into bed and see our baby’s beautiful footprints on my nightstand that I’m reminded I just recently had a baby inside me, one that should still be there but isn’t. It all feels very unfair. For Geo and I, for Lucy, for my loved ones and most of all, for this baby that was so little but already so loved.

I’ve struggled with whether I wanted to share this online or not. I’ve truly gone back and fourth, but what kept bringing me back to this space is my desire to honor this baby. I want people to know I think of myself as a mother of two babies; the one who after a very busy day of practicing walking is peacefully sleeping in her crib, and the baby who I know will always look over that sleeping baby and who someday I’ll get to meet. This baby meant so much to George and I. This baby deserves to be acknowledged and that’s why I’m overlooking my fear of being judged or ridiculed for sharing such personal information because if I don’t, it’s as if it didn’t happen, and it did.

These are just the most perfect little feet I’ve ever seen.

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What A Whirlwind…

these last few weeks have been! We successfully (thank goodness) traveled to Norway (amazing), packed up ALL our stuff in London (a miracle) and traveled home to Scituate, MA last week (can’t believe it).

It has been a really crazy time for the three of us but we’re very happy to be back in our little home and near friends and family. Unfortunately, Lucy and I have been taking turns giving one another snotty colds but I’m hoping that with a decrease in public transport and travel we’ll be able to recover and get healthy again. City living was so much fun but it takes a toll on your immune system!

Between the packing, the sickness and just getting acclimated to Β being home I haven’t had a chance to blog in a while but there are a few things that I am hoping to post about this week – one being our trip to Norway, which was really spectacular.

For now I’ll just say our time in London was really wonderful. I’m so fortunate to have a husband who’s up for an adventure and 100% embraced it πŸ™‚ Here are some of my most memorable times from our experience there:

  1. Our first full day there we walked the South Bank and fell in love with all the commotion that city living has to offer. This then became one of our go-to walks for any of our visitors.
  2. A hot summer Friday spent walking through Regents Park with Lucy. We walked through Primrose Hill, the park and then through Covent Garden all the way home and it was perfection. I felt good, Lucy loved it and it was that day I started to understand my way around the city – I felt pretty darn accomplished.
  3. Our first time eating Indian in London! I made reservations at Chutney Mary for Geo’s birthday and after that meal was when we started our love affair with Indian food πŸ™‚ It was our first date night out since being in the city and everything about the night was romantic and fun.
  4. Our adventure to Scotland! Out of the 5 countries we visited while in England, Scotland was one of my top 2. We stayed in Edinburgh and then rented a car and headed up the coast to St. Andrews for a couple nights. There were so many moments during that ride that Geo and I looked at each other and were like “is this real life?” haha It’s also where I found out I was pregnant for a second time, which unfortunately resulted in a miscarriage but I don’t want to leave that moment out because it mattered and added a lot of happiness to a really wonderful weekend in a really beautiful place.
  5. Our day-date πŸ™‚ Our babysitter watched Lucy for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon and it was so nice to be out and about together during the day, without a baby :p
  6. All our visits from loved ones. It would not have been nearly as enjoyable an experience if we hadn’t had visits from geo’s parents, my sister, geo’s brother and wife and my brother and his wife. We had so much fun with everyone πŸ™‚

Oh gosh, I could honestly go on and on (and maybe I will in the next post!) but I’ll leave it at that for now. It was an experience of a lifetime, we both hope we’re given the opportunity again.

Off to go get little Lucy from Grandma’s house and then work on dinner, fun fun!

Grateful for: This moment. I’m on the ferry, heading home from Boston and enjoying the short amount of time I have to write this post. It’s been a while since I’ve visited this little blog and I’m grateful to have had the time to get my thoughts out πŸ™‚

The name game

When I found out I was pregnant my thoughts and concerns leaned towards my health, the baby’s health, the labor, how active I was going to stay, my diet, what I’d wear, and blah blah blah. Never did I imagine that choosing a name for our baby would become the main “thought” and “concern.” At almost 27 weeks preggers we’re still up in the air about names. We made a mistake, a very rookie mistake… we told people about the names we liked.

Never. Again. :p

Here’s our top contenders:

GIRL: Evelyn, Riley, Madelyn, Adalyn, Adeline, Eleanor, Edytha, Cora or Maeve

BOY: James, Sawyer, Finley, Eivan, Miller or Rowan

Feedback from our family and friends on some of those names:

Evelyn – “I knew an Evelyn back in college – she was a stripper.”

Madelyn – “That’s a really popular name. I know at least 3 of them.”

Maeve – “Hmm. Cute.” (super convincing…)

Sawyer – “Sawyer Schwartz – that’s a tongue twister.” Person then proceeds to say the name in a drawn out, mentally handcapped fashion… great.

Finley – We both love that name but it’s the name of my best friend’s dog – is that weird?

So, anyone have any names for us to add to the list? We’re struggling here!

And yes, we know many of our names are also on the 2015 top list of baby names. We like what we like and clearly we’re not unique in those likes!

http://www.babycenter.com/top-baby-names-2015

And just for fun… my body is changing and I’m doing my best to embrace it. (My best is sometimes hiding my boobs and belly in all black, or as my brother called it the, “moo moo” look).

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A for effort?

Um, yea – one thing does not look like the other…

What it was suppose to look like:

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 9.44.11 PMΒ What it ended up looking like:

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I know I was using the wrong kind of bowl but I really didn’t expect it to end up looking like this? AND, more importantly, it didn’t taste very good. #CookingFail

Better luck next time! At least I had this delicious cup of coffee to get me through the experience πŸ™‚

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