It is going so…

fast! Time is flying these days and I’ve been wanting to take a minute (for weeks now) to just write down some of my favorite things lately πŸ™‚

So here goes…

  • Today Geo was holding Lucy at my mom’s, she squeezed him tight and said “You’re the best Daddy,” it was the sweetest moment, one in which Geo obviously melted.
  • More Lucy things…
    • After successfully reaching for her lovey in the car she said “I so proud of me”
    • “Bye new house!” “Bye bank!” “Bye post office!” and so on – it’s the cutest.
    • “How are you Mumma?”
    • “I love school SOOOOO MUCCH” “I love my paci SOOOOO MUCH”
    • “I gonna dream of butterflies”
  • Grace is beyond adorable. She’s 7 months this week she’s just perfection. The smiles are nonstop. And her new favorite thing is feeding herself.

Life is so good these days. Geo and I are exhausted, miss our time alone and can’t wait to have a night in November where “Ganna” is going to take the girls but we are honestly just soaking in this time as a family. And maybe starting to think about expanding it… πŸ˜‰

Advertisements

In Case I Question…

whether or not I truly felt in the moment with Lucy as a toddler, I’m creating this post to reassure myself that yes, yes I really did.

I can imagine myself 1, 10, 20 years from now wondering and probably assuming that I didn’t but this post will pose as proof that I took the time to slow down and love my life with Lucy. Right now I feel the urge to constantly be on the move, and feel the tug of work responsibilities often calling my name, but there are so many moments when I remind myself that this time isn’t going to last. Those giggles won’t always be so soft. That ponytail won’t always be so short. That wonder won’t always be so bright. Those hugs won’t always be given so freely. Those boo-boos won’t always come my way for kissing. Those tears won’t always be brought to me to wipe away. This little one won’t always be so little.

I do take the time to smell in her hair while she’s sitting on my lap. To hold her little hands when she’s willing. To enjoy watching her play by herself or with her loved ones. To think about how amazing her laugh is. To love her feisty, independent attitude. To watch her give hugs and snuggle with her grandparents and aunts/uncles. To listen to her daddy play the guitar and watch her love every moment of it.

Life is busy, and its how I think I’d prefer it to be but I know someday I’ll need to know that yes, I did enjoy all those “little moments” and no, I shouldn’t have any regrets.

This Mother’s Day…

is almost over and as sad as I am to say it, I’m relieved. I’m relieved we’re back from vacation, back from being away from our little girl for a whole week, relieved to be going back into normal life and relieved Mother’s Day has (just about… 3 hrs to go) come and gone. I’ve hit a road block in my grieving process and knowing that this day was right around the corner wasn’t helping any.

Having Lucy has brought me the greatest joy and being a mother is my most important role, so of course I appreciate a day celebrating moms. Any recognition we can get is welcome πŸ™‚ And more than that, I love that it’s a day to spoil and love on my own mom; she’s so deserving and so under appreciated. Typically Mother’s Day is a wonderful day, and this time last year I was embracing every bit of it and taking advantage of all the day had to offer to a new mama.

This year is different. This year it’s a reminder that I’m a mom to 2 babies, one of which isn’t with me. The feeling of loss is always present but I’m mostly able to compose myself because life is busy and Lucy keeps me on my toes. On a day like today though where I’m inundated with Happy Mother’s Day posts (as it should be), it’s so much harder to keep the smile on. What upsets me is most of my social media world (is that a thing??) doesn’t even know this second little one existed, or the sort of pain Geo and I recently endured. Sure I write about it here but very few people read this little blog, and those that do don’t even know who I am (for the most part).

I want people to know about this baby of ours, and that he or she is forever a part of our family but there are two things that keep stopping me from sharing about it on social media, they are: 1. I don’t want people to feel pity for us and 2. It feels too sacred to share. It’s such a personal and meaningful experience in our lives, it was our baby, and simply “posting” about it just doesn’t feel right, or at least not right now. I want people to know about this baby of ours, this perfect little human, but I suppose I’m just not ready yet.

Anyways, it’s been a long day and I’m just so happy I’m a mom. It’s the greatest gift I’ve been given in my life and although the pain of our recent loss is feeling very heavy right now, I also know I’m very lucky to have a healthy baby girl in the room next door. Feeling for all those mamas who don’t.

Grateful: For the toothy grins and belly laughs Lucy was full of today πŸ™‚

Not Sure…

where to start. For the past three weeks I’ve thought about writing this post yet every time I sit down to write I’m at a loss for what to say.

There’s no delicate way to share that after finding out your unborn baby has a terminal birth defect you and your husband decide, at 13 weeks, to end the pregnancy.

We found out the news about our baby on a Monday and I had the procedure that following Thursday. The time from that first ultrasound to the procedure life just stopped for us. There was nothing else that mattered. The pain was almost unbearable. I don’t know how we would have gotten through it without Lucy. She was what carried us through that week. She was our only source of happiness and hope.

Since the procedure life has gone on. Between running my business, working with my mom to launch a new one and caring for a 1 year old, the hours never seem like enough and I am scurrying throughout the day trying to fit it all in. It’s the nights, when I get into bed and see our baby’s beautiful footprints on my nightstand that I’m reminded I just recently had a baby inside me, one that should still be there but isn’t. It all feels very unfair. For Geo and I, for Lucy, for my loved ones and most of all, for this baby that was so little but already so loved.

I’ve struggled with whether I wanted to share this online or not. I’ve truly gone back and fourth, but what kept bringing me back to this space is my desire to honor this baby. I want people to know I think of myself as a mother of two babies; the one who after a very busy day of practicing walking is peacefully sleeping in her crib, and the baby who I know will always look over that sleeping baby and who someday I’ll get to meet. This baby meant so much to George and I. This baby deserves to be acknowledged and that’s why I’m overlooking my fear of being judged or ridiculed for sharing such personal information because if I don’t, it’s as if it didn’t happen, and it did.

These are just the most perfect little feet I’ve ever seen.

5CCD2EF4-D2AE-4BEF-AA9B-C1EDD155A65E

Lucy’s Birth Story (Part 2)…

Considering Lucy turned 1 on Saturday I think it’s time I get around to finishing up her birth story πŸ™‚

We left off here.

I remember thinking on the Tuesday prior to Thursday that the slight cramping I was feeling wasn’t all that bad and hey, if this is it then I could totally handle it. Ha. ha. ha. silly me. Thursday was full of pain, laughter, frustration, excitement, and more pain. Labor is no joke. To be honest I don’t remember a lot of what I was thinking during the whole thing, I just remember the intensity of it all. The intensity of each contraction, the intensity of my focus and determination, the intensity of my love for Geo (I felt so comforted to have him by my side), the intensity of my excitement to meet this little person — it all was just very intense. As the day drew on I then started to feel an intense desire to quit, like every woman in labor πŸ™‚

Our midwife, Nicole, was fantastic through it all. It was such a long day, and as the hours went by I got more and more tired (at this point I was going on 48 hrs of no sleep), but Nicole helped keep us going and smiled through it all. I remember cracking jokes in between contractions and being open to anything that might help Lucy descend, which was becoming more and more of a problem as the day progressed.

Here are a couple of beauty shots.. #notmygreatestlook!

After a full day of hard labor 12:30 am on Friday morning rolled around and Nicole and her assistant came up to talk with Geo and I. Nicole was confident we could keep going, and we’d deliver a healthy baby but was also cautious of my exhaustion and honest about the fact that she wasn’t 100% certain why Lucy wasn’t descending more. It was likely she just needed more time but Nicole didn’t pretend to know more than she did and honestly, this is exactly what you want in a midwife – no heroes, just honesty. This slight question mark was enough for me to think it was time to transfer to the hospital. I was so tired and I thought by going to the hospital they could give me something for the pain and I could squeeze in a nap (ha, that was funny of me), but more than that I knew from the get-go if I ever questioned the safety of my baby while birthing at home I would transfer to the hospital. I didn’t think it would ever happen, but sure enough it did.

SO, off we went! Geo and me in one car, my mom (who was called to our house after we made the decision – she’d been staying at the local inn waiting for updates) and Nicole in her own car. We finally got there (I had contractions the whole way), and all I could think about was how lovely it’d be to get into bed and drift off to sleep. Well that didn’t happen because within 20 minutes of being there I was checked by their on-site midwife and sure enough Lucy was crowning… all she needed was that bumpy ride to the hospital!

30 minutes after that our baby was FINALLY here πŸ™‚

And by 5 am she started meeting some of her biggest fans!

Our birth plan clearly didn’t go the way we’d hoped it would but we had a healthy baby girl and that’s all that matters. My prenatal care with Nicole at South Shore MidwiferyΒ was amazing, I honestly cannot say enough wonderful things about the care and support that Nicole provides. And everyone who cared for Lucy and I at the hospital was wonderful as well – we always felt like we were in good hands.

One thing I wish I could go back in time and change is… packing a hospital bag! haha Why oh why did I not do that?! I was so confident everything would go smoothly with the home birth that it didn’t dawn on me to be prepared, just in case. Because we were discharged the very next day (we requested this), no one had time to put together a bag for us, so I went home in Geo’s pajama pants and an oversized men’s button down shirt that my mom bought for me that day (pants and shirt were two VERY different patterns) and Lucy went home in a 0-3 month old onesie that her aunt kiki had bought for her as a gift THAT DAY. I had delicately washed all her new clothes so that nothing would irritate her newborn skin and then her very first full day of life she is put in a brand new, unwashed onesie. And I honestly didn’t really think twice about it… I blame the exhaustion πŸ˜€

IMG_1529

 

Lucy’s Birth Story (Part 1)…

is finally here!

I have been meaning and wanting to write this post for quite a while but finding the time I know it deserves is a bit tricky these days! So it’s 8:30 on a Sunday night, Geo is downstairs strummin’ away on his guitar, Lucy is sleeping and I’m in bed with some HGTV playing in the background – I’m feeling like this is as good a time as ever to write this down.

Lucy’s due date was March 3rd, 2016 and I just knew she wouldn’t make her appearance until after that (mama’s intuition kicked in a littler early, I guess). I had wrapped up most work items by then but had a few things left on my to-do list including renewing my license which I did one day before I went into labor (jeesh do I regret doing that — my face in my license pic is swollen like woah!). And the nursery was ready and welcoming πŸ™‚

Screen Shot 2017-01-08 at 9.38.29 PM.png

On Wednesday March 9th I woke up around 4 am with some cramping and thought “I know it’s going to get worse than this BUT what if it doesn’t?! I could totally handle this.” ha ha ha. I crept downstairs and knowing it was the beginning, decided to embrace the peace and quiet and watched the chick flick, Serendipity. Geo woke up a few hours later and we called my midwife to let her know we thought this was it. She told us to start timing the contractions and that’s when we realized we were probably still a ways away from delivering little lucy :p

screen-shot-2017-01-08-at-9-39-43-pm

We spent the day relaxing (as much as I could anyways) and tried to keep ourselves busy. We went to the driving range where geo hit a bucket of balls, we visited Geo’s mom and took in the beautiful and unseasonably warm winter day. We called my mom and she made her way to the Scituate Harbor Inn, a small hotel just a few streets down from our home. By the time we got home my mom was there, making us dinner πŸ™‚ I remember wanting to eat but really having no appetite (something I wasn’t expecting would happen). I then showered, got comfy and sat on the floor so my mom could braid my hair, which is something she hadn’t done in a very long time – it was perfect. Geo got us some ice cream and I decided it was time to get into bed and get some sleep.

Well, this is a story about labor so it shouldn’t be surprising when I say that I did not get any sleep. EEKs. Labor started to really progress that Wednesday night and by 4 am on Thursday morning I was in active labor. Our amazing midwife from South Shore Midwifery, Nicole, came and checked me and I was about 3 cm dilated. I remember thinking I should have been much farther along and was feeling a little disappointed. Nicole headed home to pack up her stuff and George and I just started to ride it out and realized things would get much more intense before we got to hold our babe πŸ™‚

screen-shot-2017-01-08-at-9-41-49-pm

Grateful for: A snowy weekend in Scituate! We had lots of plans that we unfortunately had to cancel but it was kind of nice to stay in, do some cooking, catch up on house stuff AND work on my blog πŸ™‚

Why Is It That…

everything can be thrown to complete shit but as long as I’ve done a load of laundry I feel like I’ve had a successful day?

There is literally no better feeling than putting a load of laundry into the washer… pure happiness.

And yes, this is truly what my hair has looked like all afternoon. Thank god for my non-judging neighbor and for a daughter who’s not old enough to roll her eyes at me (yet!).

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-10-02-14-pm

One other thing I need to make note of is… George is watching The Bachelor with me! Yep. It’s happening and it totally made my day (that and getting some laundry done :p). Today was a busy, tiring and stressful day for me but it was really nice to end it watching stupid tv with Geo and being silly – I’m thinking we need more of these nights!

Grateful for: A quiet and sweet moment with Lucy this morning. Early day snuggles are the best!