Mommyhood

In Case I Question…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

whether or not I truly felt in the moment with Lucy as a toddler, I’m creating this post to reassure myself that yes, yes I really did.

I can imagine myself 1, 10, 20 years from now wondering and probably assuming that I didn’t but this post will pose as proof that I took the time to slow down and love my life with Lucy. Right now I feel the urge to constantly be on the move, and feel the tug of work responsibilities often calling my name, but there are so many moments when I remind myself that this time isn’t going to last. Those giggles won’t always be so soft. That ponytail won’t always be so short. That wonder won’t always be so bright. Those hugs won’t always be given so freely. Those boo-boos won’t always come my way for kissing. Those tears won’t always be brought to me to wipe away. This little one won’t always be so little.

I do take the time to smell in her hair while she’s sitting on my lap. To hold her little hands when she’s willing. To enjoy watching her play by herself or with her loved ones. To think about how amazing her laugh is. To love her feisty, independent attitude. To watch her give hugs and snuggle with her grandparents and aunts/uncles. To listen to her daddy play the guitar and watch her love every moment of it.

Life is busy, and its how I think I’d prefer it to be but I know someday I’ll need to know that yes, I did enjoy all those “little moments” and no, I shouldn’t have any regrets.

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This Mother’s Day…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

is almost over and as sad as I am to say it, I’m relieved. I’m relieved we’re back from vacation, back from being away from our little girl for a whole week, relieved to be going back into normal life and relieved Mother’s Day has (just about… 3 hrs to go) come and gone. I’ve hit a road block in my grieving process and knowing that this day was right around the corner wasn’t helping any.

Having Lucy has brought me the greatest joy and being a mother is my most important role, so of course I appreciate a day celebrating moms. Any recognition we can get is welcome 🙂 And more than that, I love that it’s a day to spoil and love on my own mom; she’s so deserving and so under appreciated. Typically Mother’s Day is a wonderful day, and this time last year I was embracing every bit of it and taking advantage of all the day had to offer to a new mama.

This year is different. This year it’s a reminder that I’m a mom to 2 babies, one of which isn’t with me. The feeling of loss is always present but I’m mostly able to compose myself because life is busy and Lucy keeps me on my toes. On a day like today though where I’m inundated with Happy Mother’s Day posts (as it should be), it’s so much harder to keep the smile on. What upsets me is most of my social media world (is that a thing??) doesn’t even know this second little one existed, or the sort of pain Geo and I recently endured. Sure I write about it here but very few people read this little blog, and those that do don’t even know who I am (for the most part).

I want people to know about this baby of ours, and that he or she is forever a part of our family but there are two things that keep stopping me from sharing about it on social media, they are: 1. I don’t want people to feel pity for us and 2. It feels too sacred to share. It’s such a personal and meaningful experience in our lives, it was our baby, and simply “posting” about it just doesn’t feel right, or at least not right now. I want people to know about this baby of ours, this perfect little human, but I suppose I’m just not ready yet.

Anyways, it’s been a long day and I’m just so happy I’m a mom. It’s the greatest gift I’ve been given in my life and although the pain of our recent loss is feeling very heavy right now, I also know I’m very lucky to have a healthy baby girl in the room next door. Feeling for all those mamas who don’t.

Grateful: For the toothy grins and belly laughs Lucy was full of today 🙂

Lucy’s Birth Story (Part 2)…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

Considering Lucy turned 1 on Saturday I think it’s time I get around to finishing up her birth story 🙂

We left off here.

I remember thinking on the Tuesday prior to Thursday that the slight cramping I was feeling wasn’t all that bad and hey, if this is it then I could totally handle it. Ha. ha. ha. silly me. Thursday was full of pain, laughter, frustration, excitement, and more pain. Labor is no joke. To be honest I don’t remember a lot of what I was thinking during the whole thing, I just remember the intensity of it all. The intensity of each contraction, the intensity of my focus and determination, the intensity of my love for Geo (I felt so comforted to have him by my side), the intensity of my excitement to meet this little person — it all was just very intense. As the day drew on I then started to feel an intense desire to quit, like every woman in labor 🙂

Our midwife, Nicole, was fantastic through it all. It was such a long day, and as the hours went by I got more and more tired (at this point I was going on 48 hrs of no sleep), but Nicole helped keep us going and smiled through it all. I remember cracking jokes in between contractions and being open to anything that might help Lucy descend, which was becoming more and more of a problem as the day progressed.

Here are a couple of beauty shots.. #notmygreatestlook!

After a full day of hard labor 12:30 am on Friday morning rolled around and Nicole and her assistant came up to talk with Geo and I. Nicole was confident we could keep going, and we’d deliver a healthy baby but was also cautious of my exhaustion and honest about the fact that she wasn’t 100% certain why Lucy wasn’t descending more. It was likely she just needed more time but Nicole didn’t pretend to know more than she did and honestly, this is exactly what you want in a midwife – no heroes, just honesty. This slight question mark was enough for me to think it was time to transfer to the hospital. I was so tired and I thought by going to the hospital they could give me something for the pain and I could squeeze in a nap (ha, that was funny of me), but more than that I knew from the get-go if I ever questioned the safety of my baby while birthing at home I would transfer to the hospital. I didn’t think it would ever happen, but sure enough it did.

SO, off we went! Geo and me in one car, my mom (who was called to our house after we made the decision – she’d been staying at the local inn waiting for updates) and Nicole in her own car. We finally got there (I had contractions the whole way), and all I could think about was how lovely it’d be to get into bed and drift off to sleep. Well that didn’t happen because within 20 minutes of being there I was checked by their on-site midwife and sure enough Lucy was crowning… all she needed was that bumpy ride to the hospital!

30 minutes after that our baby was FINALLY here 🙂

And by 5 am she started meeting some of her biggest fans!

Our birth plan clearly didn’t go the way we’d hoped it would but we had a healthy baby girl and that’s all that matters. My prenatal care with Nicole at South Shore Midwifery was amazing, I honestly cannot say enough wonderful things about the care and support that Nicole provides. And everyone who cared for Lucy and I at the hospital was wonderful as well – we always felt like we were in good hands.

One thing I wish I could go back in time and change is… packing a hospital bag! haha Why oh why did I not do that?! I was so confident everything would go smoothly with the home birth that it didn’t dawn on me to be prepared, just in case. Because we were discharged the very next day (we requested this), no one had time to put together a bag for us, so I went home in Geo’s pajama pants and an oversized men’s button down shirt that my mom bought for me that day (pants and shirt were two VERY different patterns) and Lucy went home in a 0-3 month old onesie that her aunt kiki had bought for her as a gift THAT DAY. I had delicately washed all her new clothes so that nothing would irritate her newborn skin and then her very first full day of life she is put in a brand new, unwashed onesie. And I honestly didn’t really think twice about it… I blame the exhaustion 😀

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Why Is It That…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

everything can be thrown to complete shit but as long as I’ve done a load of laundry I feel like I’ve had a successful day?

There is literally no better feeling than putting a load of laundry into the washer… pure happiness.

And yes, this is truly what my hair has looked like all afternoon. Thank god for my non-judging neighbor and for a daughter who’s not old enough to roll her eyes at me (yet!).

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One other thing I need to make note of is… George is watching The Bachelor with me! Yep. It’s happening and it totally made my day (that and getting some laundry done :p). Today was a busy, tiring and stressful day for me but it was really nice to end it watching stupid tv with Geo and being silly – I’m thinking we need more of these nights!

Grateful for: A quiet and sweet moment with Lucy this morning. Early day snuggles are the best!

What A Whirlwind…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

these last few weeks have been! We successfully (thank goodness) traveled to Norway (amazing), packed up ALL our stuff in London (a miracle) and traveled home to Scituate, MA last week (can’t believe it).

It has been a really crazy time for the three of us but we’re very happy to be back in our little home and near friends and family. Unfortunately, Lucy and I have been taking turns giving one another snotty colds but I’m hoping that with a decrease in public transport and travel we’ll be able to recover and get healthy again. City living was so much fun but it takes a toll on your immune system!

Between the packing, the sickness and just getting acclimated to  being home I haven’t had a chance to blog in a while but there are a few things that I am hoping to post about this week – one being our trip to Norway, which was really spectacular.

For now I’ll just say our time in London was really wonderful. I’m so fortunate to have a husband who’s up for an adventure and 100% embraced it 🙂 Here are some of my most memorable times from our experience there:

  1. Our first full day there we walked the South Bank and fell in love with all the commotion that city living has to offer. This then became one of our go-to walks for any of our visitors.
  2. A hot summer Friday spent walking through Regents Park with Lucy. We walked through Primrose Hill, the park and then through Covent Garden all the way home and it was perfection. I felt good, Lucy loved it and it was that day I started to understand my way around the city – I felt pretty darn accomplished.
  3. Our first time eating Indian in London! I made reservations at Chutney Mary for Geo’s birthday and after that meal was when we started our love affair with Indian food 🙂 It was our first date night out since being in the city and everything about the night was romantic and fun.
  4. Our adventure to Scotland! Out of the 5 countries we visited while in England, Scotland was one of my top 2. We stayed in Edinburgh and then rented a car and headed up the coast to St. Andrews for a couple nights. There were so many moments during that ride that Geo and I looked at each other and were like “is this real life?” haha It’s also where I found out I was pregnant for a second time, which unfortunately resulted in a miscarriage but I don’t want to leave that moment out because it mattered and added a lot of happiness to a really wonderful weekend in a really beautiful place.
  5. Our day-date 🙂 Our babysitter watched Lucy for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon and it was so nice to be out and about together during the day, without a baby :p
  6. All our visits from loved ones. It would not have been nearly as enjoyable an experience if we hadn’t had visits from geo’s parents, my sister, geo’s brother and wife and my brother and his wife. We had so much fun with everyone 🙂

Oh gosh, I could honestly go on and on (and maybe I will in the next post!) but I’ll leave it at that for now. It was an experience of a lifetime, we both hope we’re given the opportunity again.

Off to go get little Lucy from Grandma’s house and then work on dinner, fun fun!

Grateful for: This moment. I’m on the ferry, heading home from Boston and enjoying the short amount of time I have to write this post. It’s been a while since I’ve visited this little blog and I’m grateful to have had the time to get my thoughts out 🙂

Dear Barcelona…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

we failed you.

It’s true, what I had imagined as being a beautiful and even relaxing trip ended up being a tiring, frustrating and at times surprising one.

Small glimpse of what just one part of our weekend looked like:

Saturday morning we sleep a little later than planned because, well, Lucy was still sleeping and who doesn’t go back to sleep on a weekend morning when the babe is asleep? That’s sacred time that does not come along all that often. When we do head out the door we (I) make the mistake of hopping on the first bus that shows up going in the direction of the city. “As long as its going towards the city, then it’s taking us closer to the Sagrada Familia.” **not my smartest moment. When we finally get off I suggest to Geo we just grab a cab because our tickets state our entry time is between 9:15 and 9:30. He assures me that this is just a “suggested” time and they’re probably not to stringent on it. **not his smartest moment.

Cut to us walking 1.5 miles to the basilica, only to get there and be told we weren’t allowed entry because we were 45 minutes past our entry time.

Enter annoyance and the beginning of whats to be a pretty long day.

Lucy wasn’t phased by her parent’s frustration, nope not one bit. Instead, she took in the sites like a boss. #HelloMyPeople

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And the weekend just continues in this fashion until we get home on Sunday night after multiple travel delays. Besides the issues we ran into while in Barcelona we did find area’s of the city that we really enjoyed. Such as the area in which our Airbnb was located, El Poblenou which is right across from the Mar Bella and Bogatell beaches; strolling down to the water was my favorite part of the weekend. And across from the water was a terrific little neighborhood – full of little shops, family friendly restaurants and some great people watching. This also happens to be where we lost Lucy’s favorite little bunny – #tear.

Lucy enjoying the Hop On Hop Off bus 🙂

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Oh my heart…

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And then there’s this… #alldaylong

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Thank you for having us, Barcelona!

Grateful: For a visit from George’s brother and sister-in-law! It was so so nice having them here the past few days 🙂

It’s Hard to Blog Today…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

about anything because my mind is so distracted by the fact that Donald Trump just won the U.S presidency. So I’ll just do two things.

  1. Share what I posted to Facebook and Instagram
  2. Share a funny interaction I had at the mall yesterday, because it’s good to balance heaviness out with a little lightness 😀

What was shared on FB/Instagram:

She deserves so much more. Anyone with a daughter, how could you vote for him? The way he views women alone is enough of a reason to be disgusted by him but I guess if he’s gonna “make America great again” then it’s all okay… pretty sure treating women with respect would be a good starting place. #Confused #Why?? #MamaBear #BabyGirl #Respect#Daughter

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So now onto the semi funny/awkward exchange that occurred yesterday while in line at the mall. Lucy was in her carrier facing outward and on the verge of a mini meltdown, she was clearly over my little birthday shopping escapade, and to be honest so was I. So we’re standing there and the woman in front of us seemed pretty out of it. She was well put together but she was kind of swaying, staring off into space and then shifted her focus onto Lucy. At first I was a little uncomfortable but then thought “eh, its keeping Lucy content, I’ll roll with it.”

Then the woman says, “How old is he” (typical – most people seem to think Lucy is a boy) and our chit chat continues with the usual empty banter. And that’s when she mentions she has a little guy who is 4 months old. Now the “swaying” and “staring into space” makes sense.

The conversation continues as so:

Woman in line: “Yea, today is the first time I’ve been away from him. My husband is at home right now. It’s really hard to be away, isn’t it?”

I swear I saw a tiny tear start to form in the corner of her eye.

Me: “Hmm I didn’t think it was that hard. I actually remember really enjoying my first outing by myself :D” *Insert giggling and smiling*

Instead of smiling and laughing along with me in agreement or at least in amusement she seemed to be in shock. “Wow, who is this woman? How is she allowed to be a mom?” was written all over her face.

And thankfully that’s when she was called up to the register.

Yes, I really enjoy my alone time but that doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE my time with Lucy. To the woman in the line, I hope you find a way to enjoy your alone time because I personally think it’s really important for you, your baby and your husband. But what do I know, I’m the kind of mom who has a babysitter, lets her babe watch tv, and shares ice cream with an 8 month old – Lucy doesn’t seem to mind 🙂

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PS. Next post is about our trip to Barcelona. It was fun. tiring. beautiful. tiring. warm. tiring. and a trip for the books. Did I mention it was tiring?

Grateful: For 4 year presidential term limits. 4 years, that’ll fly by right?

Our Day Date in London…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

was the perfect remedy for a couple who had barely seen each other in two weeks and were in need of some alone time to reconnect and just, have some fun!

Last Saturday, after taking a 7 hr long flight home with an 8 month old, Geo and I spent the morning sleeping, unpacking and eagerly awaiting the arrival of our babysitter, Jenny. I had made the decision earlier in the week that having Jenny come would be a nice way for us to rest, eat out, take a breather and I was right – it allowed us to do all of the above. We had Jenny for 4 hours and spent the first hour sleeping… pure bliss. We then headed out for a mini adventure.

First stop, a photo with my two new besties:

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Next we headed to London’s South Bank in search of a good place to eat. Along the way we couldn’t help but take a few pics like this one:

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We then came across a restaurant called Bill’s, a small chain in London. It was cosy, warm and had a great menu. I ordered a Mint Iced Tea and had NO regrets (might have been the best part of the meal!). Here’s a peak of our visit there:

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I got the veggie platter and between the falafel and spicy hummus I was in heaven.

After indulging in a late lunch we headed to the highlight of the day date, the Clink Prison Museum! Dun dun dunnnn. It was spooky, grotesque and basically everything you’d expect it to be. Next date we’re heading to the National Portrait Museum, probably a little more worthwhile :p

We made a couple friends though! (the sort of friends nightmares are made of… creepy.)

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When we were finally done with the museum we headed back home feeling refreshed, reconnected and just excited to see Miss Lucy. But of course we had to stop to take in the Thames one more time. It’s amazing to me how busy it always it. I wouldn’t say it’s the most beautiful river I’ve ever seen but there’s something magical about all the commotion that seems to take place on it – always moving, always different, always with a backdrop of London. We will certainly miss it.

Geo asked me to pose, so naturally I gave the best Kardashian look I had… #Fail #HowDoIDoPoutyLips?

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Grateful: For this little pipsqueak who finds amusement, wonder and happiness in just about everything (especially my phone!). I hope she holds onto this for a long long time (the wonder, not my phone!).

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Our Visit Home…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

was wonderful. I was excited to visit friends and family but what I hadn’t realized was how nice it would be to be back in my comfort zone. I absolutely love London and have whole heartedly embraced our way of life here but it was really calming to be back by the sea, by our friends and family and in a town that we’ve very much made our home.

One thing that wasn’t so wonderful was how I spent much of my time there…

work work work.

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But there were many moments that were pure bliss. Here are a few of those 🙂

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Grateful: For a mellow, relaxing Sunday. Breakfast out, followed by lounging at home, grocery shopping together and some cooking. It doesn’t get much better!

Bring On The…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

catcalls. Yep, I said it – bring. them. on.

They may be degrading and gross but I got whistled at for the first time in maybe years (ouch, I know) and I kinda loved it. There I am, pushing a 7-month old in a stroller and some guy in a truck (sleezy as it may have been) checked me out! My 10-pound heavier, postnatal bod and liked what he saw enough to shoot me a whistle. I will take it.

Note: I actually felt really awkward when it happened and refused to make eye contact (like the mature woman I am lol) but it was kind of nice to know I’m still noticeable and don’t blend into the world of all things baby that my life has recently become 🙂

In other news we just moved back to London after visiting the States for a couple weeks. It’s great to be back in our own space and have our own routine but I certainly cannot complain about our living accommodations while home… Thanks Mom and Dad for letting the three of us crash as Casa Burke!

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Grateful: For my occasional moments of brilliance… Having our babysitter come for the afternoon after a night of traveling made all the difference for Geo and I. We’re feeling refreshed, happy, united and ready to take on a night that will no doubt be a long one. #JetLagSucks #PoorBaby