fast! Time is flying these days and I’ve been wanting to take a minute (for weeks now) to just write down some of my favorite things lately 🙂
So here goes…
- Today Geo was holding Lucy at my mom’s, she squeezed him tight and said “You’re the best Daddy,” it was the sweetest moment, one in which Geo obviously melted.
- More Lucy things…
- After successfully reaching for her lovey in the car she said “I so proud of me”
- “Bye new house!” “Bye bank!” “Bye post office!” and so on – it’s the cutest.
- “How are you Mumma?”
- “I love school SOOOOO MUCCH” “I love my paci SOOOOO MUCH”
- “I gonna dream of butterflies”
- Grace is beyond adorable. She’s 7 months this week she’s just perfection. The smiles are nonstop. And her new favorite thing is feeding herself.
Life is so good these days. Geo and I are exhausted, miss our time alone and can’t wait to have a night in November where “Ganna” is going to take the girls but we are honestly just soaking in this time as a family. And maybe starting to think about expanding it… 😉
is almost over and as sad as I am to say it, I’m relieved. I’m relieved we’re back from vacation, back from being away from our little girl for a whole week, relieved to be going back into normal life and relieved Mother’s Day has (just about… 3 hrs to go) come and gone. I’ve hit a road block in my grieving process and knowing that this day was right around the corner wasn’t helping any.
Having Lucy has brought me the greatest joy and being a mother is my most important role, so of course I appreciate a day celebrating moms. Any recognition we can get is welcome 🙂 And more than that, I love that it’s a day to spoil and love on my own mom; she’s so deserving and so under appreciated. Typically Mother’s Day is a wonderful day, and this time last year I was embracing every bit of it and taking advantage of all the day had to offer to a new mama.
This year is different. This year it’s a reminder that I’m a mom to 2 babies, one of which isn’t with me. The feeling of loss is always present but I’m mostly able to compose myself because life is busy and Lucy keeps me on my toes. On a day like today though where I’m inundated with Happy Mother’s Day posts (as it should be), it’s so much harder to keep the smile on. What upsets me is most of my social media world (is that a thing??) doesn’t even know this second little one existed, or the sort of pain Geo and I recently endured. Sure I write about it here but very few people read this little blog, and those that do don’t even know who I am (for the most part).
I want people to know about this baby of ours, and that he or she is forever a part of our family but there are two things that keep stopping me from sharing about it on social media, they are: 1. I don’t want people to feel pity for us and 2. It feels too sacred to share. It’s such a personal and meaningful experience in our lives, it was our baby, and simply “posting” about it just doesn’t feel right, or at least not right now. I want people to know about this baby of ours, this perfect little human, but I suppose I’m just not ready yet.
Anyways, it’s been a long day and I’m just so happy I’m a mom. It’s the greatest gift I’ve been given in my life and although the pain of our recent loss is feeling very heavy right now, I also know I’m very lucky to have a healthy baby girl in the room next door. Feeling for all those mamas who don’t.
Grateful: For the toothy grins and belly laughs Lucy was full of today 🙂
I could be having more fun right now. Geo and I are on vacation in California by ourselves for a WHOLE week. Yep, no Lucy. My wonderful MIL offered to watch Lucy so Geo and I could enjoy a week of travel without the hassles and inconveniences of toting a toddler around (something we did A LOT of while living in Europe last year). We both have been looking forward to this trip so much but now that we’re here there’s something that isn’t clicking fore me. I can’t seem to quite transition into vaca mode.
Without the distractions of life, (work, Lucy, family, etc) I keep thinking about our little one who isn’t with us anymore. At the risk of sounding callous, I wish I could just turn it off. The sadness of it is always right there. Right at the surface and the barrier, or thing that keeps me from crying all the time is the business of life and now that barrier isn’t there. Don’t get me wrong, we have seen so much the last couple days and have had a wonderful time with our hosts but the sight of a pregnant woman, a baby, yesterday being Sunday (the day we measured this last pregnancy with – I would have been 18 weeks), or when I’m not thinking of anything, I always seem to go back to the loss. It’s just always there and I’d really like to turn it off for the next 5 days.
So if you’ve had a similar loss, I’d really love to hear any tips you may have for a struggling mama like me.
Grateful: For having the opportunity to be here with Geo. I know so many couples in our shoes would love the ability to go away without the kiddo(s) for a week so I really do appreciate how thoughtful and giving our family members are.
sucks. But wanna know what makes it even worse? Being the parents who made the decision to “lose” that baby. After having a miscarriage at 6 weeks (this past fall), the last thing I thought I’d ever wish for was another one. But sure enough I found myself hoping our baby would pass away inside of me, in the most natural way possible. From that Monday (when we found out) to Thursday (when I had the procedure) every time I felt a cramp or something a little “off” I prayed it was nature taking its course, and some higher power preventing me from ending our little one’s life. How insane does that sound?
Between my hormones and grief, it’s been a difficult week. These are the things that seem to make me most sad:
- The fact that I chose not to hold our baby. I asked the nurse (who was incredibly sincere and kind during this process) to make that decision for me. In the end she said it was best that I didn’t but now I wish I had. I think our baby deserved that.
- The fact that I held a newborn yesterday and instead of being thrilled for my sweet friends, I felt sad for my own loss.
- The fact that a future pregnancy will be met with excitement but also fear.
- The fact that our baby’s ashes are in our bedroom… and I’m not sure what to do with them. Originally I wanted to bury them under a tree in our yard but now I can’t seem to part with the little box. Certainly a “problem” I didn’t think I’d ever be dealing with.
- The fact that being at my in-laws house seems to be a trigger for me. We spent the majority of our time there when finding out about the baby and dealing with the appointments and logistics of it all. My MIL was watching Lucy because my parents were at a family member’s funeral. So now each time I’ve walked into their house since then I start to feel myself getting emotional.
- The fact that I didn’t mourn my sweet cousin who passed the week prior because, for me, it was overshadowed by my own baby’s passing.
- The fact that I would be 16 weeks pregnant now if we’d chosen to keep the pregnancy going.
- The fact that I ended our little one’s life. Yes, I did it because the outcome would have been the same and no doctor could tell me with 100% certainty that this baby wouldn’t have felt pain and/or discomfort for the remainder of the pregnancy (I couldn’t live knowing he/she could have been in pain), but at the end of the day I still ended it. That’s something I have to live with and yikes, it’s not an easy pill to swallow, nor should it be.
We made the only decision we felt we had, but it was still a very, very shitty one. Hoping it all gets a little easier to cope with sooner than later.
Grateful: For Lucy’s adorable waddle/walk. I honestly feel like I could just stare at her for days.
- The way the Patriots are currently playing in the Superbowl right now… I decided to make a run for it in the 4th quarter Hiding out in our bedroom and avoiding a very frustrated husband. Maybe by the time I publish this post things will have turned around…
- The way I look/feel in my clothes right now. I’m a solid 5 pounds overweight, and another 5 pounds heavier than I’d ideally like to be… so yea, in total I’ve got 10 pounds to lose and not a whole lot of self motivation to do that.
- My current work/life balance. These last couple months have been rough and although I’m grateful that my company is doing well, I’m also always nervous about losing a client, losing track of something project related and/or losing my mind along the way 🙂 This working mom thing is not easy, and some days are definitely better than others.
- Finding time to do the things I want to do is not an easy endeavor. When I do have a moment to myself most of me wants to take the time to get stuff done (bills, cooking, cleaning, etc.) or hop on the couch and just sink in. So all those little side projects I’ve been meaning to do, magazines I’ve been wanting to read or friends I’ve been wanting to catch up with get pushed to the wayside.
- My mom and wife skills… not always perfect. Whoops! Sometimes I fail, like today when I didn’t notice right away that my 11 months old was sucking on RAW cookie dough while in her carseat. #momfail Or the other day when I was looking forward to Geo’s arrival all day and then immediately snapped at him over something stupid. #wifefail
Some Things That Are…
- Lucy and her love for her LOVEY. It is the most adorable thing and totally melts my heart when she snuggles into it and loves it 🙂
- Having my parents living just a few streets away, and my in-laws just a town away. Their support, love and thoughtfulness is such a blessing and I’m truly grateful for it every day.
- My bed. It really is my happy place.
- Our road trips! When Geo and I are stuck in the car together for hours on end, it always ends up being fun and great time for us to reconnect/be reminded that yes, we’ve got a lot going on but our relationship is priority.
- Having food prepped for the week. This is a perfect feeling for me 🙂 #happiness
Life is not perfect but there are parts that surely are!
Grateful: For bad, mindless mystery books. Especially Harlan Coben ones… its a good way to end a long day 🙂
blogged in a while and the thought of writing a post makes you cringe. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. I’ve been wanting to hop back into it but then I’m so overwhelmed because I don’t know where to start! Do I write about why I’ve been so quiet this last month, or do I just skip over that and go right into Part 2 of Lucy’s birth story (something I really do want to do), OR do I finally write that post about our trip to Norway?
And then I think about why I blog and that overwhelms me too! Do I blog because I enjoy making note of my memories/feelings, or do I blog to work towards something? For a while I thought I’d visit local shops/restaurants and review them on how “family-friendly” they are – I thought that’d be a fun thing to do that other moms might find helpful, but now (to be honest) that feels like a bigger undertaking than I thought it’d be (but maybe I’m overthinking it?) – HA, after typing that word “overthinking,” I’m realizing I’m overthinking EVERYTHING.
I keep up this little blog because I find it to be relaxing, fun and therapeutic. It’s one of my favorite ways to end the day. A place to share mom/boss/wife/sister/daughter/friend/lady moments I’ve had throughout the day, and a place for me to look back on the last 5 years of my life and clearly see how it is I’ve gotten to where I am. This is basically an online diary and I need to remember that it can be whatever I want it to be 🙂
So with that said, I thought I’d just share what my favorite part of today was…
when Lucy caught me hanging out in her teepee! 😀
everything can be thrown to complete shit but as long as I’ve done a load of laundry I feel like I’ve had a successful day?
There is literally no better feeling than putting a load of laundry into the washer… pure happiness.
And yes, this is truly what my hair has looked like all afternoon. Thank god for my non-judging neighbor and for a daughter who’s not old enough to roll her eyes at me (yet!).
One other thing I need to make note of is… George is watching The Bachelor with me! Yep. It’s happening and it totally made my day (that and getting some laundry done :p). Today was a busy, tiring and stressful day for me but it was really nice to end it watching stupid tv with Geo and being silly – I’m thinking we need more of these nights!
Grateful for: A quiet and sweet moment with Lucy this morning. Early day snuggles are the best!