This Mother’s Day…

is almost over and as sad as I am to say it, I’m relieved. I’m relieved we’re back from vacation, back from being away from our little girl for a whole week, relieved to be going back into normal life and relieved Mother’s Day has (just about… 3 hrs to go) come and gone. I’ve hit a road block in my grieving process and knowing that this day was right around the corner wasn’t helping any.

Having Lucy has brought me the greatest joy and being a mother is my most important role, so of course I appreciate a day celebrating moms. Any recognition we can get is welcome ๐Ÿ™‚ And more than that, I love that it’s a day to spoil and love on my own mom; she’s so deserving and so under appreciated. Typically Mother’s Day is a wonderful day, and this time last year I was embracing every bit of it and taking advantage of all the day had to offer to a new mama.

This year is different. This year it’s a reminder that I’m a mom to 2 babies, one of which isn’t with me. The feeling of loss is always present but I’m mostly able to compose myself because life is busy and Lucy keeps me on my toes. On a day like today though where I’m inundated with Happy Mother’s Day posts (as it should be), it’s so much harder to keep the smile on. What upsets me is most of my social media world (is that a thing??) doesn’t even know this second little one existed, or the sort of pain Geo and I recently endured. Sure I write about it here but very few people read this little blog, and those that do don’t even know who I am (for the most part).

I want people to know about this baby of ours, and that he or she is forever a part of our family but there are two things that keep stopping me from sharing about it on social media, they are: 1. I don’t want people to feel pity for us and 2. It feels too sacred to share. It’s such a personal and meaningful experience in our lives, it was our baby, and simply “posting” about it just doesn’t feel right, or at least not right now. I want people to know about this baby of ours, this perfect little human, but I suppose I’m just not ready yet.

Anyways, it’s been a long day and I’m just so happy I’m a mom. It’s the greatest gift I’ve been given in my life and although the pain of our recent loss is feeling very heavy right now, I also know I’m very lucky to have a healthy baby girl in the room next door. Feeling for all those mamas who don’t.

Grateful: For the toothy grins and belly laughs Lucy was full of today ๐Ÿ™‚

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Lucy’s Birth Story (Part 2)…

Considering Lucy turned 1 on Saturday I think it’s time I get around to finishing up her birth story ๐Ÿ™‚

We left off here.

I remember thinking on the Tuesday prior to Thursday that the slight cramping I was feeling wasn’t all that bad and hey, if this is it then I could totally handle it. Ha. ha. ha. silly me. Thursday was full of pain, laughter, frustration, excitement, and more pain. Labor is no joke. To be honest I don’t remember a lot of what I was thinking during the whole thing, I just remember the intensity of it all. The intensity of each contraction, the intensity of my focus and determination, the intensity of my love for Geo (I felt so comforted to have him by my side), the intensity of my excitement to meet this little person — it all was just very intense. As the day drew on I then started to feel an intense desire to quit, like every woman in labor ๐Ÿ™‚

Our midwife, Nicole, was fantastic through it all. It was such a long day, and as the hours went by I got more and more tired (at this point I was going on 48 hrs of no sleep), but Nicole helped keep us going and smiled through it all. I remember cracking jokes in between contractions and being open to anything that might help Lucy descend, which was becoming more and more of a problem as the day progressed.

Here are a couple of beauty shots.. #notmygreatestlook!

After a full day of hard labor 12:30 am on Friday morning rolled around and Nicole and her assistant came up to talk with Geo and I. Nicole was confident we could keep going, and we’d deliver a healthy baby but was also cautious of my exhaustion and honest about the fact that she wasn’t 100% certain why Lucy wasn’t descending more. It was likely she just needed more time but Nicole didn’t pretend to know more than she did and honestly, this is exactly what you want in a midwife – no heroes, just honesty. This slight question mark was enough for me to think it was time to transfer to the hospital. I was so tired and I thought by going to the hospital they could give me something for the pain and I could squeeze in a nap (ha, that was funny of me), but more than that I knew from the get-go if I ever questioned the safety of my baby while birthing at home I would transfer to the hospital. I didn’t think it would ever happen, but sure enough it did.

SO, off we went! Geo and me in one car, my mom (who was called to our house after we made the decision – she’d been staying at the local inn waiting for updates) and Nicole in her own car. We finally got there (I had contractions the whole way), and all I could think about was how lovely it’d be to get into bed and drift off to sleep. Well that didn’t happen because within 20 minutes of being there I was checked by their on-site midwife and sure enough Lucy was crowning… all she needed was that bumpy ride to the hospital!

30 minutes after that our baby was FINALLY here ๐Ÿ™‚

And by 5 am she started meeting some of her biggest fans!

Our birth plan clearly didn’t go the way we’d hoped it would but we had a healthy baby girl and that’s all that matters. My prenatal care with Nicole at South Shore Midwiferyย was amazing, I honestly cannot say enough wonderful things about the care and support that Nicole provides. And everyone who cared for Lucy and I at the hospital was wonderful as well – we always felt like we were in good hands.

One thing I wish I could go back in time and change is… packing a hospital bag! haha Why oh why did I not do that?! I was so confident everything would go smoothly with the home birth that it didn’t dawn on me to be prepared, just in case. Because we were discharged the very next day (we requested this), no one had time to put together a bag for us, so I went home in Geo’s pajama pants and an oversized men’s button down shirt that my mom bought for me that day (pants and shirt were two VERY different patterns) and Lucy went home in a 0-3 month old onesie that her aunt kiki had bought for her as a gift THAT DAY. I had delicately washed all her new clothes so that nothing would irritate her newborn skin and then her very first full day of life she is put in a brand new, unwashed onesie. And I honestly didn’t really think twice about it… I blame the exhaustion ๐Ÿ˜€

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Some Things That Aren’t…

perfect.

  1. The way the Patriots are currently playing in the Superbowl right now… I decided to make a run for it in the 4th quarter :/ Hiding out in our bedroom and avoiding a very frustrated husband. Maybe by the time I publish this post things will have turned around…
  2. The way I look/feel in my clothes right now. I’m a solid 5 pounds overweight, and another 5 pounds heavier than I’d ideally like to be… so yea, in total I’ve got 10 pounds to lose and not a whole lot of self motivation to do that.
  3. My current work/life balance. These last couple months have been rough and although I’m grateful that my company is doing well, I’m also always nervous about losing a client, losing track of something project related and/or losing my mind along the way ๐Ÿ™‚ This working mom thing is not easy, and some days are definitely better than others.
  4. Finding time to do the things I want to do is not an easy endeavor. When I do have a moment to myself most of me wants to take the time to get stuff done (bills, cooking, cleaning, etc.) or hop on the couch and just sink in. So all those little side projects I’ve been meaning to do, magazines I’ve been wanting to read or friends I’ve been wanting to catch up with get pushed to the wayside.
  5. My mom and wife skills… not always perfect. Whoops! Sometimes I fail, like today when I didn’t notice right away that my 11 months old was sucking on RAW cookie dough while in her carseat. #momfail Or the other day when I was looking forward to Geo’s arrival all day and then immediately snapped at him over something stupid. #wifefail

Some Things That Are…

perfect.

  1. Lucy and her love for her LOVEY. It is the most adorable thing and totally melts my heart when she snuggles into it and loves it ๐Ÿ™‚
  2. Having my parents living just a few streets away, and my in-laws just a town away. Their support, love and thoughtfulness is such a blessing and I’m truly grateful for it every day.
  3. My bed. It really is my happy place.
  4. Our road trips! When Geo and I are stuck in the car together for hours on end, it always ends up being fun and great time for us to reconnect/be reminded that yes, we’ve got a lot going on but our relationship is priority.
  5. Having food prepped for the week. This is a perfect feeling for me ๐Ÿ™‚ #happiness

Life is not perfect but there are parts that surely are!

Grateful: For bad, mindless mystery books. Especially Harlan Coben ones… its a good way to end a long day ๐Ÿ™‚

Why Is It That…

everything can be thrown to complete shit but as long as I’ve done a load of laundry I feel like I’ve had a successful day?

There is literally no better feeling than putting a load of laundry into the washer… pure happiness.

And yes, this is truly what my hair has looked like all afternoon. Thank god for my non-judging neighbor and for a daughter who’s not old enough to roll her eyes at me (yet!).

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One other thing I need to make note of is… George is watching The Bachelor with me! Yep. It’s happening and it totally made my day (that and getting some laundry done :p). Today was a busy, tiring and stressful day for me but it was really nice to end it watching stupid tv with Geo and being silly – I’m thinking we need more of these nights!

Grateful for: A quiet and sweet moment with Lucy this morning. Early day snuggles are the best!

A Quick Thank You To…

my husband.

Geo, as we approach the one-year mark of parenthood I just want to say a few things. So here goesโ€ฆ

Thanks for making Lucyโ€™s birth funโ€ฆ well, as fun as giving birth can actually be. Besides the pain and exhaustion of it all I also remember there being lots of laughs which I definitely attribute to you (and our midwife!) ๐Ÿ™‚

Thanks for all the unnecessary but delicious treats you bring home to me. Thanks so much for thisโ€ฆ but can you stop because I really need to lose a few ๐Ÿ˜€ Really.

Thanks for changing Lucyโ€™s first dirty diaper. It showed me you were ready to dive right in, and you really did.

Thanks for putting up with my postpartum emotionsโ€ฆ those were rough :I

Thanks for giving us the opportunity to live abroad โ€“ such an amazing adventure for our family!

Thanks for making really good coffee. I may not ever drink my full cup but I love having it to reheat throughout the day ๐Ÿ˜‰

Thanks for putting the toilet seat downโ€ฆ Okay maybe you got into the bad habit of not doing this recently but something tells me youโ€™re going to start doing it again like, yesterday. Right? Yes. You are ๐Ÿ˜€

Thanks for being such a good gift-giver. Fo realz. Iโ€™m sorry for not being such a good oneโ€ฆ eeks.

Thanks for being cool with my parents moving into a house three streets away from us. Because I understand thatโ€™s close, really close. But theyโ€™re awesome and I know itโ€™ll be fun for us to live so close but at the end of the day I do realize itโ€™s closeโ€ฆ really close! Haha

Thanks for dealing with my complaining lately. Last week was a doozy and I felt super anxious about things not being unpacked and us not being settled in yet. You took it like a champ and didnโ€™t get too annoyed with me (right? Lol).

Thanks for being such a good dad to Lucy. Sheโ€™s already learning so much for you, and I canโ€™t wait to see what your relationship with her will turn into as she gets older.

Thanks for always seeing the best in us and staying optimistic when Iโ€™m so quick to quit or be negative.

Go us ๐Ÿ™‚

Grateful for: Geo’s sense of style… this little outfit made both Lucy and I laugh!

“She needed layers to stay warm” – Geo

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Some Of My Favorite…

recent moments ๐Ÿ™‚

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My two favorites ๐Ÿ™‚

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Lucy’s stocking made by Nana ๐Ÿ™‚

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Lucy liking her new play room ( I think! haha)

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Happiness!

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Oh hey cute thang ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Lucy enjoying her first meatballs!

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Geo helping with Christmas dinner ๐Ÿ™‚

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Love bug ๐Ÿ™‚

Grateful for: All of the above.

Dear Barcelona…

we failed you.

It’s true, what I had imagined as being a beautiful and even relaxing trip ended up being a tiring, frustrating and at times surprising one.

Small glimpse of what just one part of our weekend looked like:

Saturday morning we sleep a little later than planned because, well, Lucy was still sleeping and who doesn’t go back to sleep on a weekend morning when the babe is asleep? That’s sacred time that does not come along all that often. When we do head out the door we (I) make the mistake of hopping on the first bus that shows up going in the direction of the city. “As long as its going towards the city, then it’s taking us closer to the Sagrada Familia.” **not my smartest moment. When we finally get off I suggest to Geo we just grab a cab because our tickets state our entry time is between 9:15 and 9:30. He assures me that this is just a “suggested” time and they’re probably not to stringent on it. **not his smartest moment.

Cut to us walking 1.5 miles to the basilica, only to get there and be told we weren’t allowed entry because we were 45 minutes past our entry time.

Enter annoyance and the beginning of whats to be a pretty long day.

Lucy wasn’t phased by her parent’s frustration, nope not one bit. Instead, she took in the sites like a boss. #HelloMyPeople

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And the weekend just continues in this fashion until we get home on Sunday night after multiple travel delays. Besides the issues we ran into while in Barcelona we did find area’s of the city that we really enjoyed. Such as the area in which our Airbnb was located, El Poblenou which is right across from the Mar Bella and Bogatell beaches; strolling down to the water was my favorite part of the weekend. And across from the water was a terrific little neighborhood – full of little shops, family friendly restaurants and some great people watching. This also happens to be where we lost Lucy’s favorite little bunny – #tear.

Lucy enjoying the Hop On Hop Off bus ๐Ÿ™‚

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Oh my heart…

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And then there’s this… #alldaylong

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Thank you for having us, Barcelona!

Grateful: For a visit from George’s brother and sister-in-law! It was so so nice having them here the past few days ๐Ÿ™‚