Grateful

This Mother’s Day…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

is almost over and as sad as I am to say it, I’m relieved. I’m relieved we’re back from vacation, back from being away from our little girl for a whole week, relieved to be going back into normal life and relieved Mother’s Day has (just about… 3 hrs to go) come and gone. I’ve hit a road block in my grieving process and knowing that this day was right around the corner wasn’t helping any.

Having Lucy has brought me the greatest joy and being a mother is my most important role, so of course I appreciate a day celebrating moms. Any recognition we can get is welcome 🙂 And more than that, I love that it’s a day to spoil and love on my own mom; she’s so deserving and so under appreciated. Typically Mother’s Day is a wonderful day, and this time last year I was embracing every bit of it and taking advantage of all the day had to offer to a new mama.

This year is different. This year it’s a reminder that I’m a mom to 2 babies, one of which isn’t with me. The feeling of loss is always present but I’m mostly able to compose myself because life is busy and Lucy keeps me on my toes. On a day like today though where I’m inundated with Happy Mother’s Day posts (as it should be), it’s so much harder to keep the smile on. What upsets me is most of my social media world (is that a thing??) doesn’t even know this second little one existed, or the sort of pain Geo and I recently endured. Sure I write about it here but very few people read this little blog, and those that do don’t even know who I am (for the most part).

I want people to know about this baby of ours, and that he or she is forever a part of our family but there are two things that keep stopping me from sharing about it on social media, they are: 1. I don’t want people to feel pity for us and 2. It feels too sacred to share. It’s such a personal and meaningful experience in our lives, it was our baby, and simply “posting” about it just doesn’t feel right, or at least not right now. I want people to know about this baby of ours, this perfect little human, but I suppose I’m just not ready yet.

Anyways, it’s been a long day and I’m just so happy I’m a mom. It’s the greatest gift I’ve been given in my life and although the pain of our recent loss is feeling very heavy right now, I also know I’m very lucky to have a healthy baby girl in the room next door. Feeling for all those mamas who don’t.

Grateful: For the toothy grins and belly laughs Lucy was full of today 🙂

Advertisement

Losing A Baby…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

sucks. But wanna know what makes it even worse? Being the parents who made the decision to “lose” that baby. After having a miscarriage at 6 weeks (this past fall), the last thing I thought I’d ever wish for was another one. But sure enough I found myself hoping our baby would pass away inside of me, in the most natural way possible. From that Monday (when we found out) to Thursday (when I had the procedure) every time I felt a cramp or something a little “off” I prayed it was nature taking its course, and some higher power preventing me from ending our little one’s life. How insane does that sound?

Between my hormones and grief, it’s been a difficult week. These are the things that seem to make me most sad:

  • The fact that I chose not to hold our baby. I asked the nurse (who was incredibly sincere and kind during this process) to make that decision for me. In the end she said it was best that I didn’t but now I wish I had. I think our baby deserved that.
  • The fact that I held a newborn yesterday and instead of being thrilled for my sweet friends, I felt sad for my own loss.
  • The fact that a future pregnancy will be met with excitement but also fear.
  • The fact that our baby’s ashes are in our bedroom… and I’m not sure what to do with them. Originally I wanted to bury them under a tree in our yard but now I can’t seem to part with the little box. Certainly a “problem” I didn’t think I’d ever be dealing with.
  • The fact that being at my in-laws house seems to be a trigger for me. We spent the majority of our time there when finding out about the baby and dealing with the appointments and logistics of it all. My MIL was watching Lucy because my parents were at a family member’s funeral. So now each time I’ve walked into their house since then I start to feel myself getting emotional.
  • The fact that I didn’t mourn my sweet cousin who passed the week prior because, for me, it was overshadowed by my own baby’s passing.
  • The fact that I would be 16 weeks pregnant now if we’d chosen to keep the pregnancy going.
  • The fact that I ended our little one’s life. Yes, I did it because the outcome would have been the same and no doctor could tell me with 100% certainty that this baby wouldn’t have felt pain and/or discomfort for the remainder of the pregnancy (I couldn’t live knowing he/she could have been in pain), but at the end of the day I still ended it. That’s something I have to live with and yikes, it’s not an easy pill to swallow, nor should it be.

We made the only decision we felt we had, but it was still a very, very shitty one. Hoping it all gets a little easier to cope with sooner than later.

Grateful: For Lucy’s adorable waddle/walk. I honestly feel like I could just stare at her for days.

Not Sure…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

where to start. For the past three weeks I’ve thought about writing this post yet every time I sit down to write I’m at a loss for what to say.

There’s no delicate way to share that after finding out your unborn baby has a terminal birth defect you and your husband decide, at 13 weeks, to end the pregnancy.

We found out the news about our baby on a Monday and I had the procedure that following Thursday. The time from that first ultrasound to the procedure life just stopped for us. There was nothing else that mattered. The pain was almost unbearable. I don’t know how we would have gotten through it without Lucy. She was what carried us through that week. She was our only source of happiness and hope.

Since the procedure life has gone on. Between running my business, working with my mom to launch a new one and caring for a 1 year old, the hours never seem like enough and I am scurrying throughout the day trying to fit it all in. It’s the nights, when I get into bed and see our baby’s beautiful footprints on my nightstand that I’m reminded I just recently had a baby inside me, one that should still be there but isn’t. It all feels very unfair. For Geo and I, for Lucy, for my loved ones and most of all, for this baby that was so little but already so loved.

I’ve struggled with whether I wanted to share this online or not. I’ve truly gone back and fourth, but what kept bringing me back to this space is my desire to honor this baby. I want people to know I think of myself as a mother of two babies; the one who after a very busy day of practicing walking is peacefully sleeping in her crib, and the baby who I know will always look over that sleeping baby and who someday I’ll get to meet. This baby meant so much to George and I. This baby deserves to be acknowledged and that’s why I’m overlooking my fear of being judged or ridiculed for sharing such personal information because if I don’t, it’s as if it didn’t happen, and it did.

These are just the most perfect little feet I’ve ever seen.

5CCD2EF4-D2AE-4BEF-AA9B-C1EDD155A65E

Why Is It That…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

everything can be thrown to complete shit but as long as I’ve done a load of laundry I feel like I’ve had a successful day?

There is literally no better feeling than putting a load of laundry into the washer… pure happiness.

And yes, this is truly what my hair has looked like all afternoon. Thank god for my non-judging neighbor and for a daughter who’s not old enough to roll her eyes at me (yet!).

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-10-02-14-pm

One other thing I need to make note of is… George is watching The Bachelor with me! Yep. It’s happening and it totally made my day (that and getting some laundry done :p). Today was a busy, tiring and stressful day for me but it was really nice to end it watching stupid tv with Geo and being silly – I’m thinking we need more of these nights!

Grateful for: A quiet and sweet moment with Lucy this morning. Early day snuggles are the best!

A Quick Thank You To…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

my husband.

Geo, as we approach the one-year mark of parenthood I just want to say a few things. So here goes…

Thanks for making Lucy’s birth fun… well, as fun as giving birth can actually be. Besides the pain and exhaustion of it all I also remember there being lots of laughs which I definitely attribute to you (and our midwife!) 🙂

Thanks for all the unnecessary but delicious treats you bring home to me. Thanks so much for this… but can you stop because I really need to lose a few 😀 Really.

Thanks for changing Lucy’s first dirty diaper. It showed me you were ready to dive right in, and you really did.

Thanks for putting up with my postpartum emotions… those were rough :I

Thanks for giving us the opportunity to live abroad – such an amazing adventure for our family!

Thanks for making really good coffee. I may not ever drink my full cup but I love having it to reheat throughout the day 😉

Thanks for putting the toilet seat down… Okay maybe you got into the bad habit of not doing this recently but something tells me you’re going to start doing it again like, yesterday. Right? Yes. You are 😀

Thanks for being such a good gift-giver. Fo realz. I’m sorry for not being such a good one… eeks.

Thanks for being cool with my parents moving into a house three streets away from us. Because I understand that’s close, really close. But they’re awesome and I know it’ll be fun for us to live so close but at the end of the day I do realize it’s close… really close! Haha

Thanks for dealing with my complaining lately. Last week was a doozy and I felt super anxious about things not being unpacked and us not being settled in yet. You took it like a champ and didn’t get too annoyed with me (right? Lol).

Thanks for being such a good dad to Lucy. She’s already learning so much for you, and I can’t wait to see what your relationship with her will turn into as she gets older.

Thanks for always seeing the best in us and staying optimistic when I’m so quick to quit or be negative.

Go us 🙂

Grateful for: Geo’s sense of style… this little outfit made both Lucy and I laugh!

“She needed layers to stay warm” – Geo

screen-shot-2016-12-29-at-10-04-34-am

Our Day Date in London…

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

was the perfect remedy for a couple who had barely seen each other in two weeks and were in need of some alone time to reconnect and just, have some fun!

Last Saturday, after taking a 7 hr long flight home with an 8 month old, Geo and I spent the morning sleeping, unpacking and eagerly awaiting the arrival of our babysitter, Jenny. I had made the decision earlier in the week that having Jenny come would be a nice way for us to rest, eat out, take a breather and I was right – it allowed us to do all of the above. We had Jenny for 4 hours and spent the first hour sleeping… pure bliss. We then headed out for a mini adventure.

First stop, a photo with my two new besties:

EWT_8826.JPG

Next we headed to London’s South Bank in search of a good place to eat. Along the way we couldn’t help but take a few pics like this one:

screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-10-11-18-pm

We then came across a restaurant called Bill’s, a small chain in London. It was cosy, warm and had a great menu. I ordered a Mint Iced Tea and had NO regrets (might have been the best part of the meal!). Here’s a peak of our visit there:

screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-10-18-48-pm

screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-10-19-02-pm

screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-10-19-16-pm

I got the veggie platter and between the falafel and spicy hummus I was in heaven.

After indulging in a late lunch we headed to the highlight of the day date, the Clink Prison Museum! Dun dun dunnnn. It was spooky, grotesque and basically everything you’d expect it to be. Next date we’re heading to the National Portrait Museum, probably a little more worthwhile :p

We made a couple friends though! (the sort of friends nightmares are made of… creepy.)

screen-shot-2016-10-28-at-10-28-42-pmscreen-shot-2016-10-28-at-10-28-49-pm

When we were finally done with the museum we headed back home feeling refreshed, reconnected and just excited to see Miss Lucy. But of course we had to stop to take in the Thames one more time. It’s amazing to me how busy it always it. I wouldn’t say it’s the most beautiful river I’ve ever seen but there’s something magical about all the commotion that seems to take place on it – always moving, always different, always with a backdrop of London. We will certainly miss it.

Geo asked me to pose, so naturally I gave the best Kardashian look I had… #Fail #HowDoIDoPoutyLips?

Screen Shot 2016-10-28 at 10.40.06 PM.png

Grateful: For this little pipsqueak who finds amusement, wonder and happiness in just about everything (especially my phone!). I hope she holds onto this for a long long time (the wonder, not my phone!).

Screen Shot 2016-10-28 at 10.42.59 PM.png

 

It’s Never Too Early…

Image ~ ~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

To drink coffee with Nana, or is it? 😂🙈


To share secrets with your bestie 👭


Or to fall asleep during a walk (seriously Lucy, it’s never too early for that ☺️)


Grateful: For taco salad. It’s healthy (well it’s got veggies), easy to make and pleases just about everyone! It’s clearly what we had for dinner tonight 🙂

Gone Are The Days…

Aside ~ ~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

Of looking forward to traveling and in are the days of dreading it with every morsel of my being. Dramatic? Maybe a little but honestly traveling is not what it used to be. What it used to be was “do I read my book, watch a movie or take a nap during the flight?” What it is now is “do I try to get her to nap (enter hours of frustration), entertain her with toys (each toy keeps her occupied for approx. 1.2 minutes) or just hand her off to the hubby and take 3 minutes to find my inner buddha before Geo looks at me with desperation in his eyes and hands her back over?”

Lucy has brought so much joy into our lives and I can literally feel myself loving her more and more every day but geesh, flying from London to NY with a 6 month old is not for the faint of heart! Luckily we made it out alive and I’m hopeful our flight home, which is a night flight, will be full of zzzz’s and downtime because she’ll be peacefully sleeping… a girl can dream 😀

In other news, this girl seriously is so lucky to have so many knitters in the family! How cute is this skirt?!

img_3338

Grateful: For being back home in the states for two weeks. I’d forgotten how nice it is to have the love and support of so many loved ones, we’re so lucky to live near our parents 🙂

How Cool Are We?

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

We got this whole selfie thing DOWN.

Ha. Someday we’ll be cool. Someday.

DSC01892.JPG

Grateful: For the construction worker who saved the day! Lucy and I went to get coffee this morning only to realize we were locked in the apartment. The keys had been left in the door from the outside (oops!). Geo called down to the man who was on the street and voila, he came up and we were saved!! Phew, close call.

Yes, I slept in the dress I wore all day.

~ Aub ~ Leave a comment

Friday night was:

A screaming baby from 8 to 10 pm.

A screaming baby from 1 to 2:30 am.

A screaming baby from 4:30 to 6 am.

Saturday day was:

Feeding baby.

Travel.

Sightseeing.

Shhing to sleep.

Playing.

Repeat x 4.

Saturday night was: 

A screaming baby from 6 pm to 9:30 pm.

So yes, as my little one (Lucy who is now 6. 5 months old!) finally fell asleep on top of me I quickly realized I would not be changing into my comfy pjs (aka: an oversized t-shirt) but would instead be sleeping in a pull-over dress I’d worn all day; one that had spit-up, drool and snot from a sick baby on it. None of that bothered me though, it didn’t even make me flinch. All that mattered was Lucy was comfortably sleeping and that meant mama would be doing the same, shortly (minus the “comfortably” 🙂

*Warning: Sleeping in a wire framed bra is not recommended. #ow

0f235246-aab0-4d83-ad12-b7a167d4193b-o.jpg

Grateful: For how wonderful this little one was during our 3 hr+ car ride home today. Making mama proud.

DSC01898.JPG